


Fate

by fierda



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Cancer, M/M, Mutual Pining, Reapers, Sickfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Supernatural Elements, Time Skips, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 12:59:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17529188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fierda/pseuds/fierda
Summary: What if the one you love will never have suffered if he had never met you?Excerpt:"...Fate writes our paths and destinies – you staying with him, knowing him and loving him– that was never supposed to happen. Your love was unnatural and defying all logic. The two of you were part of an equation that didn't exist. It had to be corrected."





	Fate

_\--_

_What if the one you love will never have suffered if he had never met you?_

_The first time Gerard had a headache, Frank found him curled up on the ground in a fetal position, a distance away from his wheelchair and a puddle of vomit. He had tears flowing down his cheeks, hands curled around his head, teeth stained with blood from biting down so hard on his lips. Gerard only asked for a couple of Advil and fell asleep when the drugs kicked in, exhausted and relieved. Frank was worried at first, but Gerard insisted that he was okay and refused to go to the hospital for a checkup, so Frank carefully monitored him instead over the week instead. Frank was so careful with Gerard the next couple of days, almost to the point of coddling him, and he could tell that Gerard was annoyed, but thankfully didn’t say much. He only remarked that he felt like a ticking time bomb about to go off from the fragile way Frank was handling him._

_Back then, both of them had no idea how true that statement was._

_\--_

_2 nd Chance: Saturday, January 7th, 2012_

“Hey there.”

Frank jumped at the sudden voice, and he hit his head underneath the table he had been reaching under to try to pick up a book.

“Ouch!”

Eyes watering, Frank clutched the book to his chest as he staggered upwards, rubbing the back of his head as he turned to attend to his customer.

“Hello, how can I help you…” Frank stopped short at the familiar stranger in front of him, and blinked, momentarily stunned.

Tall. Taller than Frank. Standing on his own two feet. ( _Frank had always been used to Gerard sitting in his wheelchair looking up at him with a beautiful smile.)_

Healthy, rosy cheeks. ( _No more waxy, pallid complexion. Frank used to wish he could put some color in Gerard’s cheeks.)_

Brown, hazel eyes, with a glint of gold, full of life. ( _The shadows under his haunted, tired eyes, eyes that grew dull with immense pain and sometimes glimmered with tears. Eyes that flickered shut in relief as his body gave into the effects of the drugs which robbed him of consciousness.)_

Pink, full lips. ( _Gerard’s lips were always cracked and peeling. He hated using lip balm, so Frank used to wet his lips with a moist cotton bud, and when he finished, sometimes the cotton bud would be stained red with blood.)_

Black hair falling messily over his forehead. ( _What little remained of_ _Gerard’s beautiful jet-black locks were a cruel, stark contrast over the harsh white of the hospital sheets as he lay motionless on the bed, breathing in and out with the help of a respirator.)_

Yet.

The same beautiful smile. 

Two images of Gerard. One who lived in his memories, and one who was standing in front of him, real and solid as day. Not that the Gerard he remembered was fake but… that Gerard didn’t exist. At least, not anymore. It was difficult to reconcile this healthy and happy Gerard who didn’t know Frank anymore, with the one in his memories – the sickly, emotional Gerard, who screamed and cursed and swore at Frank yet loved him with all his heart at the same time.

Gerard looked good now. He looked so _good._

Frank swallowed, feeling a dull ache bloom in his chest. He knew that he had made the right decision.  

_(“I love you, Frank. I know you blame yourself still for the accident but in a strange, fucked up way, I’m glad I met you because of it. And even if I were to die tomorrow…”_

_“Shut up Gerard. Don’t say that to me. You’ll be fine.”)_

“Frank? Are you alright?” Gerard sounded concerned as he leaned closer over the counter to look at Frank. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you.”

Frank blinked as he glanced up blankly at Gerard.

A velvety voice. ( _Gerard always sounded_ _hoarse and scratchy after long hours of sleep. Frank didn’t blame him, the medication made him tired all the time. And then the operation to remove the tumour in his brain completely silenced Gerard. Locked-in syndrome, the doctors had said. He was conscious, but unable to move or communicate. The only thing he could do was blink. The desperate look in Gerard’s eyes told Frank that he was screaming on the inside.)_

Frank caught a whiff of Gerard’s cologne and his throat tightened. ( _He spent the last few hours tucked up into Gerard’s side, nose pressed up against Gerard’s neck as an unconscious Gerard struggled to breathe even with the help of the respirator. Gerard smelled good. Safe and familiar. The scent of hospital sheets and disinfectant stung his nose and made his eyes tear, but Frank didn’t care. He was comforted by Gerard’s warmth by his side, the fact that he was still breathing, still_ **there** _. When Gerard died and his body was taken away, the hospital sheets still smelled of him. Ignoring the gentle probing of the hospital staff to leave the ward, Frank spent hours curled up on the sheets, fists curled into the pillows, crying desperately for his lover who would never return.  Every breath simultaneously hurt him and comforted him at the same time.)_

**I miss you so fucking much.**

**“** That was quite a bad knock to the head.” Gerard raised a concerned eyebrow when Frank didn’t appear to notice his question, and his eyes searched Frank’s face carefully as though making sure that he was alright.

“I… I’m fine, thanks.” Frank said, shaking his head, rubbing at his wet eyes and trying to get rid of the images in his head. He swallowed loudly, a lump in his throat, digging his nails into his palm.

_Breathe, Frank. Get a grip on yourself. He doesn’t know you **now**_. _He never did._

“How can I help you? Are you searching for a book?” His eyes continued to make its journey down Gerard’s body, to his hands, his feet. ( _Gerard was almost skin and bone near the end.  Frank could just touch Gerard gently on his side and be immediately able to feel his rib bone.)_ He hoped Gerard wouldn’t notice him scrutinizing him and think that Frank was creepy, but he genuinely couldn’t help himself. Gerard looked so different and yet seemed so familiar. He was practically glowing, and Frank couldn’t take his eyes away from him.

Gerard shook his head, and then stuck out his hand bashfully. “I’m Gerard.”

Frank feigned a look of comprehension. “Oh, hi!” He reached over and shook Gerard’s hand quickly, feeling that same, familiar heat sear through his palm. ( _Gerard was always ridiculously warm_. _Whenever Frank felt cold, he would complain loudly and childishly until Gerard gave in and wrapped his hands around his own, warming him up like his personal heater._ ) He was hoping that Gerard wouldn’t notice that he was trembling with emotion. “Nice to finally meet you.”

Gerard grinned shyly, “Yea, it’s nice to know that you are a real person. I was starting to think that you were just a figment of the guys’ imagination.”

Frank let out a short, surprised bark of laughter at that. “Are you alone? Did the rest come along?” _(Gerard was grinning as he leaned in to kiss Frank, fingers trailing softly across his chin. Frank shivered as he responded, moaning as he felt the faintest brush of Gerard’s tongue against his lips.)_

Gerard winced, and then shook his head. “I thought it was better if I came on my own. You know how bad Bob and Brian can get sometimes with the teasing.” He made a face and Frank chuckled weakly, a strong ache in his chest as Gerard grinned good-naturedly at him.  “This is a nice place. Nice environment. Really beautiful.” Gerard gestured to the rest of the shop. There were wooden shelves upon shelves teaming with books throughout the whole space, and each row of books was split into genres. There was an additional reading space at the corner of the shop where Frank had a little cafe Patrick was manning,  where his customers could relax with a cup of coffee, a sandwich and a book in hand.

Frank smiled proudly. “Thank you. She’s my pride and joy. Why don’t you take a look around and maybe get a coffee? It’s on me.” Frank noticed Gerard staring inquisitively at the books sitting on a rack behind him, in particular the book by Elena Halloway, “Haunted”.

Frank felt an immense need to clarify the location of “Haunted”.  He knew how important those books were to Gerard. “Those are our bestselling books.” He pointed at the number tags he had placed under each book. “I just got a shipment of Haunted, and it’s already number one on our list. You...” He blurted out the words before he even realised his slip, and turned quickly towards the books to cover up, “ _She_ ,” he said with greater emphasis, “... is a brilliant author. I love reading her books. If you are interested in horror, give it a try. I gotta warn you though, once you get started, you can’t put it down.”

There was an awkward silence behind him. Gerard didn’t realize his slip-up, did he? Gerard started to speak, “The guys didn’t tell you...” and then he stopped. Frank turned, and faked it as best as he could, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. Gerard was chewing his lip nervously, head cocked to the side and contemplating. Frank knew Gerard – well at least he knew _his_ Gerard, and Gerard was too humble to admit to a complete stranger (oh God, he felt so empty knowing that Gerard didn’t _know_ him anymore) that his pseudonym was Elena Halloway. He prayed that this Gerard was the same.

Gerard shook his head. “Nothing. Yes, sounds fantastic. I might give it a try,” he said with a tinge of amusement in his voice. “I’ll take a look around, and get that coffee too. Thank you, Frank.”

\--

Gerard was still in the bookstore, browsing through books. Frank took one last, long look at Gerard, cataloguing how good Gerard looked - _without him_ – before he fled to his office after hastily asking Pete to man the counter. Frank pushed the door open and locked it securely behind him to make sure that he was alone, before his composure broke.

He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists tightly, punching the wall and relishing the sharp pain that roared through his senses and pricked at his eyes, causing them to become slightly damp with tears.

He hastily checked the date. Exactly two years after the accident that they had avoided. He had managed to stay away from Gerard for exactly two years. But he had never expected that Gerard would be the one who would come looking for him. Panic seared through him as he rested his forehead against the wall and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the visit he knew would come soon.

He felt the grim reaper’s presence even before she even spoke. It was like there was a shift in the space of the environment, a distortion of atoms around her, a whiff of lavender that Frank noticed lingered in the air whenever she was around.

She no longer surprised him like the first time.

“Frank, you know what would happen if you get closer to him.” Came the soft, calm voice. Frank sucked in a deep breath. He counted slowly to ten.

“I know.” Frank managed to say without a trace of annoyance.

“Stay away from him, otherwise he would...” And Frank had heard _this_ fucking one too many a time, so he lost it, turning around and snapping viciously,

“Die of a horrible, painful disease? _That_ _happened_. I **watched** him go through it. Die in a car crash?” Frank’s voice got louder with each word. “No wait, I’m sorry that didn’t happen but it was supposed to, wasn’t it? I was supposed to be the one who killed him, but _you didn’t let me_!” The grim reaper’s black eyes narrowed and flashed dangerously. Frank knew he should have shut up but his tirade continued as he grew angrier. “He didn’t die then…he survived and I was so guilty and I got to know him, I took care of him and grew to love him, and now I’m in so much pain because he looks at me and sees me as a stranger and I just..” Frank let out a wretched sob. “Do you know how cruel it is to ask me to walk away from him now? He’s so happy and healthy and so goddamm beautiful...”

“And he’s only going to stay that way if you stay away from him,” the grim reaper cut in sternly. “Fate decreed that you were never supposed to meet him alive, Frank. Every single interaction you have with him is unnatural. Don’t flirt with possibilities. You know what happened the other time. Because of your presence in his life, he had to die of cancer.”

“Stop it. I know I’m a curse to him. My presence literally kills him. _Just_ _stop_ _saying_ _it_ _all_ _the_ _time_.” He yelled at the grim reaper, unshed tears choking him.

“Then stay away from him. You’ve already given up twenty years of your life for this chance and I will **not** watch you throw it away.” Frank flinched as she suddenly moved closer to him, so close that she was practically only an inch away, hissing angrily in his face, black long hair flying wildly behind her, buoyed by an unseen wind, eyes flat black with anger. Sometimes, he forgot that the woman in front of him was a supernatural being, and times like this reminded him of how weak and powerless he was compared to her. Her usual youthful, beautiful appearance was deceiving, and sometimes he truly forgot that she had the power to take away his life in a single heartbeat.

The reaper signed after a beat, lifted a hand and touched his face tenderly, her black eyes slipping into soft hazel as she calmed down. “I regard you as my grandson as much as Gerard is. So please... don’t make me lose both my grandsons.”

Frank said nothing, just stared helplessly and blankly at Elena as she brushed off his tears tenderly.

\--

The first time Frank met Gerard was the day he took away Gerard’s ability to walk.

It was strange, really, how the two of them had similar social circles but had never met each other before. They were buddies with the same people (Ray, Bob, Brian). Frank had heard good things about Gerard, and the guys were always saying that he should meet him, because he was a pretty cool guy. They would always say this with a smirk, and Frank would roll his eyes and huff in annoyance, because he knew the guys thought that the two of them would make a good couple. It wasn’t that Frank wasn’t interested in knowing Gerard, (the guys had shown him a picture and Gerard was really _hot_ ) but he just didn’t think that Gerard would be the _one_. It didn’t help that they knew the same people, and things would just get awkward if it didn’t work out. So, although he good-naturedly allowed the guys to try to arrange meetings for the two of them to meet, it didn’t bother him when somehow, at the last minute, something would occur that would cause them to miss each other again. Like a last minute batch of deliveries that Frank absolutely had to attend to for his bookstore, or Gerard being held back by a deadline to submit a draft for the new book he was writing. Or like the other time Gerard dropped by the bookstore (although Frank suspected the guys actually dragged him there) and Frank had been down with stomach flu and had left the bookstore in the hands of Pete, one of his permanent staff.

It was weird. Every single time the guys tried to hook them up, it was as though Fate was playing a part in pushing them apart. Frank was never bothered with that fact. He was too busy running his own bookstore. And although he had never met Gerard before, from the plethora of information the guys had told him – he knew that Gerard was a really successful author, and he was extremely busy with his work. Frank had tried to search for his books – he was the owner of a bookstore, so it couldn’t be too difficult, right? – but he hadn’t found any author by the name of Way, Gerard. He had deduced that Gerard was probably writing his books under a pseudonym, but when he questioned the guys, they were always cryptic, saying that he had already read those books.  And Frank read _a lot_ , so that enigmatic comment was less than useful.

Frank never knew that Fate had its plans for them - and it never intended for them to meet.

And Frank just had to go and fuck it all up.

_(1 st Mistake:  Wednesday, March 27, 2013_

_“What if I told you you could change the past?”_

_Frank looked up from the bedsheets wearily with a tear stained face, blinking slowly and tiredly through swollen eyes. The smell of lavender in the room was overwhelming, and he was momentarily confused. Then his eyes widened as he threw himself backwards, almost falling over in his alarm._

_There was a stranger in his bedroom, standing in front of the bed. A young woman, in a ripped long black dress, watching him as he backed away._

_Fuck, she was tall._

_“Who are you…” he faltered when he realized the woman in front of him appeared to be tall because she was floating a few inches off the ground._

**_She was floating off the floor._ **

_“What if I told you you could change the past?” The woman repeated, drifting closer towards Frank, the tips of her dress brushing against the bedsheets and the air around Frank dropped a few degrees in temperature, causing him to shiver. She drifted into the moonlight, and Frank let out a shout as he realised that her eyes were entirely black. Black as night – dark, fathomless pits._

_“What the hell?” he gasped, as he shot off the bed and almost tripped over himself. The woman paused, cocked her head to the side in a strange manner and considered him._

_She definitely wasn’t human. There was an ethereal, unearthly, almost alien beauty in her. Long lashes over her dark eyes, accentuating her high cheekbones, thin lips that were a disturbing blood red. Long, straight black hair that cascaded down her shoulders to the middle of her torso. The air was still and there was no wind, yet her hair seemed to be buffeted by an unearthly, unseen wind. And she was pale, so pale that she was almost glowing. Frank’s imagination went into overdrive, and his lips went dry. He swallowed nosily, wincing as she noticed the movement of his Adam’s apple and her eyes zeroed in on the movement. Terror rose up in him as Frank stared back at the woman, at a complete loss as to what to do, and aware that he was now completely at the mercy of this creature… whatever she was._

_Then his mind finally registered what she said. “What do you mean?”_

_“I can help you change the past. I can make all of this go away. Gerard Way would have never died.”_

_It felt as though he had been doused with cold water, and Frank was instantly alert._

_“What? How?” He questioned suspiciously._

_The woman smiled at him, teeth a flash of blinding white in the darkness, and it was not a comforting smile. Frank shivered._

_“You were never supposed to meet Gerard Way. Gerard Way was supposed to die in that accident where you took away his ability to walk.”_

_Frank felt as though he had been slapped. He was supposed to have killed Gerard? “Then how did he survive?”_

_“Do you know what I am, Frank?”_

_Frank shook his head uneasily._

_“I am a grim reaper, Frank. I see Death every day.” The woman looked at him, and Frank felt a strange twist in the air –it felt as though she was manipulating space and time somehow. He felt a part of the environment vanish, felt as though he was watching her from an enclosed bubble - he couldn’t see anything around her changing but he could sense it. In the next moment, a scythe materialised in her hands. The blade was a brilliant, icy blue, with a criss-cross of red vein-like patterns running down its side, up the shaft and into her hands as though the blade was a part of her – his lips went dry as he realised that the patterns were pulsating as though blood was running through it. Ba-dump, ba-dump… it felt almost as though the blade had a heart – and blood was pumping right through its veins. It wasn’t like any metal that he had ever seen before, that was for sure. The blade seemed to hum and sing with unbridled tension, and Frank stared at the scythe warily. He could almost see it vibrating and breathing, as though it was alive. Frank yelped when the reaper swung it at him, the blade stopping just inches away from his neck. “I spared no one.” She hissed softly. “But when I saw death coming to Gerard Way, I was sickened. He was a good man, and I refused to let him die in such a way.” Her eyes were flat black with a passionate rage, her lips quirked in anger. "I saved him... but I never anticipated what you would do, though.” The reaper withdrew the scythe, and ran a finger lovingly across the blade. She didn’t appear to notice Frank as he began to edge away from the reaper._

_“What did I do?” Frank croaked._

_“You stayed,” the reaper answered simply._

_Frank frowned. “I don’t understand…”_

_The reaper closed her eyes, and sighed wearily. It was an almost human gesture until she began to float towards the window, the chine of her scythe almost scrapping the floor. Frank watched her silhouette guardedly, swallowing as he dug his fingers into his palms. It hurt… he wasn’t dreaming._

_"Think of Fate as...the wheels of life. Everything has a beginning, and everything has an end, but life and death is a circle. When someone dies, someone else is born. It's been like this for a long time...way before either of us existed." The reaper said softly, and almost reverently as she stared out of the window. She trailed a finger across the window pane, and the glass frosted over where she touched it._

_Frank nodded uneasily._

_"Fate is the one who decides who lives and who dies. The reapers are a part of this system. We reap whoever Fate decrees must die. Otherwise the balance is upset."_

_"Then Gerard..."_

_"Yes, Gerard was supposed to die. From the very moment you crossed paths with Gerard, his life was at its precipice. He was supposed to be killed by you. He was supposed to have died in the car accident. But… my own compassion prevented me from reaping him. I made a mistake." The grim reaper looked tired, and sickened by her own admission. “If I had just reaped him, you would never have known him.” The grim reaper turned to look at Frank, sadness reflected in her supernatural black eyes._

_“Thank you.” Frank blurted out._

_The reaper looked at him questioningly._

_“For saving him,” Frank explained. “I can’t bear the thought of being the one who killed him.” He admitted. The reaper glanced at him for a long time before she spoke again._

_“I bought him some time.” The reaper smiled ruefully, “But you, Frank... You were the reason why he eventually came down with cancer." She finished almost pityingly as she said the words that sliced through Frank’s heart like a knife._

_Frank's face whitened._

_"What? Why?" he asked weakly._

_“You were supposed to be the one who killed him – you were never supposed to meet him. Fate writes our paths and destinies – you staying with him, knowing him and loving him– that was never supposed to happen. Your love was unnatural and defying all logic. The two of you were part of an equation that didn't exist. It had to be corrected. Every second the two of you spent together begin to tear a hole in the fabric of life. Because of that, Fate decided Gerard's path again.”_

_Frank gasped in shock, hands flying up to cover his mouth. “Oh God, oh God…” Frank murmured under his breath, feeling sick to his stomach. Frank’s eyes began to sting with hot tears. He was the one who caused Gerard to be in so much pain through the last part of his life? He was the reason why Gerard couldn’t live? After the accident, if he hadn’t forced himself into the role of caretaker and been around him all the time, would Gerard still be alive? With all these thoughts running through his head, Frank thought he was about to vomit._

_The reaper continued softly. “I thought I was saving Gerard… It would have been quick and merciful if I had reaped him during the car accident but… but because of your presence in his life, it But it seems that I only managed to delay Gerard’s death – and in the process made his life even more painful and unbearable. I must seek to change this.”_

_“Deal with me, Frank. Give me fifteen years of your life span, and I will be able to rewrite this tragedy.”_

_“Fifteen years?” Frank repeated weakly, looking at the reaper through a blur of tears._

_The reaper merely cocked her head to the side._

_“Say yes, and Gerard Way will be brought to life. Say no… and the situation will remain as it is.”_

**_The situation would remain as it is_ _._ **

_Frank would never see Gerard again._

_The days following Gerard’s death had been torturous. He couldn’t imagine the future without Gerard._

_“Do I even have fifteen years?”_

_The reaper smiled humourlessly, flashing her teeth at him._

_“I wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t,” she said solemnly._

_Frank couldn’t bear the thought of Gerard being dead because of him._

_“So I give up my fifteen years... and what happens? Does my soul belong to you, or something?” he asked._

_“No!” The reaper shouted almost furiously, moving so closely towards Frank, face inches away from him, almost spitting on him and he flinched. “I am not a demon, nor am I the Devil, Frank!”_

_“I’m so sorry, I don’t know how this works,” Frank squeaked out after a long moment of abject terror, “I didn’t mean to offend you. Okay, okay... I... If I say yes, how are you going to change this?” The reaper eyed him with great distaste before backing off, and Frank let out a sigh of relief._

_“The years you have given up to me will give me the power to bring you back to the past. Stay at home on the day of the accident – and Gerard would be alive.”_

_“That’s it?”_

_“It’s not that simple, Frank. Because you are the one who is supposed to be responsible for Gerard’s death, you have to stay away from him at all costs. Look at what has happened now,” she paused, “Because you stayed with him after the accident, your interactions with him were unnatural. It defied Fate – and Fate stepped in to correct that.”_

_He hated Fate. Fate sounded like a total bastard._

_“So,” Frank summarized shakily. “One, stay away from him on the day of the accident and two, keep my distance from him for the rest of my life?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“This is crazy. This is fucking crazy.” Frank murmured to himself._

_“Make your choice, Frank Iero.”_

_“Right. There was never any question of me doing this. I’ll do it.. as long as he is safe and happy, I’ll stay away from him. But... if you take me back to the past, won’t I forget all of this? Forget that I have to stay away from him? How will I know that I have to stay at home on the day of the accident?”_

_The reaper shook her head. “I will ensure that you will stay at home. I have the power to plant the compulsion in your head, and I will keep you away from him.”_

_Frank nodded as he thought quickly._

_“Will I forget everything about Gerard?” he asked anxiously._

_The grim reaper’s expression turned gentle. “It’ll be more cruel, and harder for you if you remembered everything, Frank.”_

_The horrible realization the he may forget everything about Gerard, the way he smiled, the way he laughed, the way his kisses tasted, the way he smelled... caused him to cringe with horror. “I don’t want to forget.” Frank said fiercely. “I never want to forget. If I have to give up a larger amount of my lifespan, so be it.”_

_The grim reaper looked at him sadly. “I’ll need twenty years. And I won’t be able to plan the compulsion in your head for you to stay away from him, because your memories would remind you that you are in love with him. You’ll have to do it on your own accord. You’ll have to stay away from him. If you get close to him again, he could die.”_

_“I’ll do it. Anything, anything for Gerard. Anything for him, as long as he’s safe and happy. It doesn’t matter that I’m not there, that he doesn’t know who I am, that he doesn’t know that I love him so much that I’ll die for him and..” Frank broke off, choking on his tears._

_It mattered, it really did. He hadn’t done it and yet already, the thought of having to stay away from Gerard fucking hurt._

_“Deal with me, Frank.”_

_“Okay,” Frank choked out. The reaper smiled, and raised a hand, leaning in to touch him and Frank couldn’t help but flinch away._

_“I have to touch you to initiate the transfer of years.” The reaper explained._

_“Wait. Why are you doing this? Why do you care?”_

_The grim reaper paused before she turned and looked at him with an expression of melancholy. “My name is Elena.”_

_Frank’s chest tightened with realization._

_“…You’re his grandmother.” )_

\--

Frank would never forget the cruelest thing that Gerard had ever said to him.

“I hate you. This is all your fault!” It was one of Gerard’s worst moments after the accident had happened. Frank, out of guilt and responsibility, had fallen into the role of Gerard’s caretaker, despite Gerard’s initial disgust and anger.

Gerard had apologized to him after that, telling him that he knew that the accident hadn’t been Frank’s fault. And although Frank told him that he hadn’t taken it to heart, the words haunted him in the deep of the night. He couldn’t forget the way Gerard had looked when he had said it. He had meant every word. He had wanted the words to hurt Frank, and it had.

If only he hadn’t been driving his car when his brakes had failed. Somehow, they had malfunctioned even though he had only sent his car for a safety inspection just a week ago.  

If only.

_(“What is it that you love about me?” Gerard’s voice was deceptively calm. “My winning good looks in this wheelchair that I’m confined to? My sparkling personality? Or is it your feelings of guilt and responsibility towards me?”_

_“I admit I started caring because I felt guilty. And I decided that I wanted to help you. But it was all that time I spent with you, in your company that made me fall in love with you. If anything, because of the guilt, I want you to be happy. If anything, I love you a little harder, a little deeper because I want that happiness so badly for you.”_

_“And you believe that you,” Gerard sneered bitterly, “The person who put me in this position, has the right to bring happiness to me?” It felt like a slap to Frank’s face as his eyes shimmered with tears. He swiped at his eyes angrily.)_

Perhaps because of the guilt and sense of responsibility that Frank felt for Gerard’s condition, he really did love Gerard a little more fiercely, a little more deeply because of that.

Regardless, Frank knew that it was inevitable that he would have fallen for Gerard anyway.

\--

_(Frank began to read Elena Halloway’s novel to Gerard. He started with her latest book – Haunted. Gerard didn’t question his choice, but when Frank decided to move onto the next Halloway book, Gerard put his foot down and firmly said no. Frank didn’t question it, but he had felt hurt when he thought that Gerard didn’t like one of his favourite authors._

_When he told Ray about it, Ray spent a good few minutes laughing on the floor._

_“Why, what’s so funny?” Frank scowled in annoyance. When Ray told him, Frank thought that he would die from the embarrassment._

_“You never told me you were Elena Halloway,” he said accusingly to Gerard._

_“You never asked,” Gerard responded delicately with an air of wounded innocence._

_Frank growled playfully at Gerard, smacking his hand. The answering lazy smirk made his heart skip a beat.)_

\--

Gerard was relentless. Frank knew this. The Gerard he had known was stubborn as a mule, always gave his best for everything, never gave up and slowly worked towards his goal… but he had not realised how difficult it would be stay away from _this_ Gerard once he had developed… feelings for Frank.

He had become so attuned to Gerard so long ago that he didn’t need to even look in his direction to tell that Gerard was looking at him. And he wasn’t being oversensitive or anything because he had caught Gerard looking intensely at him more than enough times and either blushing hotly or grinning shyly whenever Frank had caught him. The thought of Gerard falling for him all over again simultaneously comforted and terrified him.

He had to stop it.

But damn… it was becoming hard to stay away from Gerard. It wasn’t that Frank didn’t try. Gerard simply just tried a lot harder. He was _everywhere_. It seemed as though after their first meeting in the bookstore, Gerard had become utterly fascinated with him and _somehow_ he would show up in front of Frank at every single moment he could afford. Frank noticed that Gerard had began to visit Ray more often (when previously he had never ever visited, not even once). And Ray, the sneaky little fuck, would excuse himself to run an errand or some shit like that and somehow the two of them will be left alone in the house.  

How was he supposed to avoid the man now when his own best friend was so obviously rooting for Gerard and trying to create a shit-ton of opportunities to bring them together?

_“_ Spend time with each other,” Ray had said to Frank when Frank finally confronted him, disgusted when Ray had left them alone again, “Get to know each other. He likes you.”

There were only so many times that Frank could pretend to be ill and ask Gerard to leave the house. He was becoming borderline _rude_ , and the dirty looks from Ray, not to mention the hurt expression on Gerard’s face every time he spurned his advances was upsetting.

\--

_2 nd Chance: Friday, March 1st, 2013_

This wasn’t supposed to be happening again.

Gerard had kissed him.

A soft, gentle kiss that made his bones ache.

A single kiss which almost broke his resolve into pieces.

_No._

_No, no, no, no, no_.

Frank gasped, breaking away from the kiss. He jumped up from the coach, stammering, “I’m going to get a glass of water.”

“Frank…” Frank didn’t stay long enough to hear what Gerard had to say before he fled to the kitchen.

Frank stumbled into the kitchen, reaching for one of the glasses next to the kitchen sink. He was trembling as he pushed the tap, filling up the glass with water. 

Gerard sounded incredulous as he turned off the tap, placing his hand around Frank’s. “Are you crying?”

Frank didn’t answer him as he stared down at his cup.

“Am I that bad a kisser?” Gerard asked weakly.

Frank merely tilted his face away from Gerard as Gerard bent to look at his face. It was too late to hide his tears from Gerard, but he didn’t want Gerard to see the utter desolation in his eyes so he closed his eyes.

“Oh…” Gerard murmured, sounding horrified. “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” Frank felt Gerard’s fingers on his face, rubbing the tears away.  There was a long pause as Gerard struggled to find the words to continue. “… I… No. I wanted to kiss you. But I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry, Frank. I’ll just…go.” Gerard’s shoes hit the wooden floor as he jerked backwards, attempting to leave. Frank’s hand shot out, his grip tightened around the fabric of Gerard’s shirt. Gerard had gone rigid, his back ramrod straight, stiff and awkward.  Frank leaned his forehead on Gerard’s chest, feeling the steady beat of Gerard’s heart as he choked out, his eyes still closed, “No. Don’t go.”

Frank felt Gerard taking in a deep, shaky breath. He exhaled loudly, warm breath hitting the back of Frank’s neck as he said softly, “I don’t understand, Frank.”

Frank didn’t answer Gerard as he began to pray.

_God, let me be selfish for five minutes. Just five minutes. Let me stay like this with Gerard for now. I swear I’ll stay away from Gerard after this. Please._

Frank felt Gerard’s hands curl around him, an arm against his shoulder, the other around his waist, and he melted into Gerard’s embrace, his own arms wrapped around Gerard’s waist.

“Why, Gerard?” Frank finally whispered. “Why couldn’t you just leave me alone? I tried so hard to stay away from you.”

“Why would you want to do that?” Gerard sounded hurt and he tried to extricate himself from Frank’s embrace. Frank whimpered in response and Gerard stopped struggling. There was a soft sigh. “I’m confused, Frank. You’re giving me mixed signals, and I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“I’m exhausted, Gerard,” Frank admitted quietly, knowing that Gerard would not understand what he was saying. 

\--

( _Frank lost it the moment_ _the doctor leading the medical team on Gerard’s case said the words “brainstem glioma”. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t believe that everything he was hearing was real. Tears flowed down his cheeks as he tried and failed to keep his emotions under control. Horror filled him as the medical team showed them the MRI images revealing the small but steadily growing tumour that was slowly killing Gerard._

_Gerard had been calm and quiet as he listened to the doctors talk about his condition. Almost as though they were talking about the weather and not his brain. The only thing betraying his emotions was his tight grip around Frank’s hand as Frank began to sob openly._

_“What are my options now?”_

_The oncologist stepped in, speaking frankly. Frank went numb when he heard the words, “No cure.” Still, she mentioned the possibilities of radiation and chemotherapy. Of surgery. The doctors began to outline the risks for each option. The neurosurgeon spoke about the odds of survival. The possibility of further brain damage with surgery, especially to such a critical area of the brain. The oncologist spoke of the side effects of radiation and chemotherapy._

_All he heard throughout the entire conversation was how Gerard would suffer, no matter what option he chose._

_And then Gerard quietly asked how long he would have left if he chose to do nothing._

_2 months, they said._

_And if he started the treatments?_

_The oncologist had hesitated before saying a year._

_One lousy fucking year._

_All those suffering just for ten more painful months._

_Ten more precious months._

_Gerard had turned to look at Frank. At that point, Frank ached so much for Gerard, angry at how life had been so unfair to him, first taking away his ability to walk, and then making him develop this fucking brain tumour. It took him all his strength to hold himself back from throwing himself at Gerard, from begging him to try and not give up hope._

_Don’t be selfish, don’t try to influence his decisions. He told himself._

_Frank._

_Don’t._

_Don’t._

**_Don’t._ **

_Frank wanted to be strong and supportive, and not be reduced to this useless state and further upsetting Gerard with his own pain. Gerard leaned in to gently wipe the tears off Frank’s face, pinpricks of heat from his fingers dancing across his cheeks, before squeezing Frank’s hand tightly again, a ghost of a smile on his face._

_“I understand. Let’s start the treatments then,” Gerard told the doctors.)_

_\--_

_2 nd Chance: Tuesday, March 19th, 2013_

When Frank heard the words, “car accident”, he thought he had lost Gerard again. The grief that flooded through him overwhelmed him, leaving him breathless and slightly panicky until Ray told him to “breathe”, and that Gerard had only suffered minor cuts and was doing “okay”.

When Frank opened the door, his heart skipped a beat. Despite Ray’s claims that Gerard was alright, he hadn’t realized how truly worried he had been until Gerard was standing right in front of him. Frank tensely scanned the man in front of him from top to toe thoroughly, noting the little bandage on his forehead. That seemed to be the only injury on him. When he finally looked up, relieved that Gerard looked no worse for wear, his gaze met Gerard’s hazel eyes. The gentle, knowing, almost shy expression on Gerard’s face, followed by a soft triumphant curve of his lips shook Frank out of his state of worry.

“I’m okay, Frank.” Gerard said softly.

**Shit.**

Irritated by how much he had given away, he turned away from the door, not bothering to invite the man into the house. “Traitor.” Frank hissed softly as he pushed past Ray who had been watching the both of them from behind speculatively.

“Close the door behind you, will you, Gerard?” Ray called out. Slinging an arm around Frank, Ray whispered as he steered Frank towards the sofa in the living room, “Can’t watch you ruin this when I know you so obviously care about him.”

“What the fuck… mind your own business,” Frank cursed as Ray pushed him onto the sofa, his grip firm on his shoulders. “You promised, Ray!”

“On second thought, Gerard, don’t close that door. I’m gonna go get a drink.”

“Ray!” Frank snapped angrily.

“Look. It’s time to settle this, Frank. If you don’t want him, tell him once and for all. To his face. You owe him that much,” Ray mumbled before he squeezed his shoulder and walked out of the house.

Frank buried his face into his hands. He heard Gerard’s soft footsteps, and felt him settle in the arm chair across him.

Frank looked up and his gaze fell upon the bandage on Gerard’s forehead. He sucked in a deep breath, suddenly shaky. He wasn’t sure whether the accident that Gerard had was Fate’s way of telling him to stay away. It could have been a lot worse. Too close, far too close. Gerard could have died. Frank had to stay away. He couldn’t afford to take any risks. 

There was a teasing smile on Gerard’s face. Gerard gazed back patiently at Frank. It seemed that today he was going to wait for Frank to talk first.

_What the hell._

“I’m glad you’re alright,” Frank finally said. “I’m relieved you don’t seem too badly banged up.”

“I know. I could tell.” Gerard grinned.

Frank blinked uneasily at the confident look on Gerard’s face. So confident, this Gerard. Sometimes he would still be struck by how different yet alike the two Gerards he knew were.

“Gerard… look,” Frank sighed unhappily. “I have made it so obvious. I don’t know what to do anymore without being downright cruel to you.”

The smile on Gerard’s face disappeared immediately.

“Please don’t push me away, Frank. I saw the look in your eyes just now. The panic when you opened the door. The worry. You obviously care for me.”

Frank was overwhelmed with the sudden urge to smack himself. He should have known that Gerard would have picked up his emotions at the door.

“I obviously care for you? I’m suddenly attracted to you because I was worried about you? Like any decent human being would be?” Frank questioned flippantly. “Are you even listening to yourself right now?”

“I don’t know what’s holding you back but… please, give me a chance.” The hopeful look on Gerard’s face was something that Frank had never been able to say no to. 

Until now.

“I’m flattered, really. But, I am simply not interested in you.” Frank replied flatly.

“You’re a terrible liar, you know that?”

_(“You’re a terrible liar, you know that? You have tells. You have this cute little crease in your forehead whenever you lie,” Gerard poked his head playfully, “And then your ears turn red,” he continued, flicking his ear before laughing, “Such an open book. You’re too easy.”)_

Frank sucked in a deep breath and steadily replied, “Tell me then. Why would I lie? Why would I need to?”

_Why the fuck are you so stubborn?_

“You know what,” Frank snapped angrily, getting onto his feet. “Get out.”

“What?” Gerard looked stunned.

“You heard me. Get out of my house. You, with your confident smile, and cocky attitude. Someone who doesn’t even believe the words that I say. Who can’t even respect the things I said and thinks everything I said is a fucking joke! And you actually have the audacity to stand here and ask me why I’m not giving you a chance?” Frank yelled.

Gerard looked abruptly stricken.

“I didn’t mean it like…”

“You come into this house,” Frank interrupted, glaring at Gerard. “Making all these assumptions about me. Thinking that you know me so well. You think you know me? You will never ever understand me. I will never ever love someone like you.”

_(“You think you know me? You will never ever understand me. I will never ever love someone like you.”)_

The same exact words that Gerard had said to him, in a previous life. The same exact words that had driven him immediately to tears. When he had first told Gerard he loved him and Gerard had, out of a misplaced sense of responsibility, turned him down. “You deserve better,” Gerard had said when Frank finally got through to him. “You deserve someone who can give you a good life, not the broken husk of a man I am right now.”  

How ironic that Frank was using those same words, the same words he utterly hated, on Gerard right now, in this life.

The expression on Gerard’s face as he left the house, tight-lipped and devastated, tore deeply into Frank’s heart.

Why was he always hurting Gerard?

_(Gerard crying. Angry, frustrated tears as he lay on the ground, after trying and failing to get into the wheelchair himself. Kicking, screaming and cursing as Frank tried to help him. Sobbing into Frank’s shoulders. Gerard throwing up his meal after chemotherapy, Gerard struggling to breathe. Tears running down Gerard’s cheek as he lay bed-ridden after the surgery that had robbed him of all movement, leaving him conscious but unable to communicate. Screaming on the inside._

_Gerard suffering._

_Always… always suffering.)_

Ray returned several hours later, furious.

“Frank, what the hell did you do?”

“What?” Frank snapped. “I did exactly what you wanted me to do. You told me to settle it and I did.”  

“Fine. I hope you’re happy being an asshole then,” Ray told him exasperatedly, before he entered his room and slammed the door shut.

“I have to be strong. I can’t watch you go through that again… I can’t lose you again… I can’t.” Frank murmured to himself as he stared at Ray’s shut door. “This is the only way I can keep you safe. Please forgive me, Gerard.”

 

_2 nd Chance: Wednesday, March 20th, 2013_

“What did you do, Frank?” The reaper appeared out of nowhere, shocking Frank. A look of fury passed on Elena’s face. Her hair begin to move wildly behind her back as she started to bristle with anger. “Fate has acted again!”

“What do you mean?” Frank gasped in terror as he began to panic. “Oh god what have I done...? Is Gerard going to die again?”

“It's not him it's...” And she broke off her sentence abruptly, suddenly refusing to look at him. And Frank stared at her, uncomprehendingly, before an errant thought flashed across his mind and then he realized why.

“It's not him, it's me?” Frank whispered softly.

Elena did not respond. But she didn’t need to.

Frank began to laugh, almost hysterically.

“Fate has finally realized what’s wrong with the equation. Took it long enough to finally figure out what the fuck is wrong! Good, good. My time is up already, right? I’m going to die soon.”

At least he wouldn’t have to do it himself. Since he hadn’t been able to keep Gerard away, he had been toying with the idea of asking Elena whether killing himself would be an option to keep Gerard safe. He knew that Elena would have been beyond pissed by the question. But now… it seemed that Fate had decided his fate for him.

Elena looked stricken.

“How could you say that?”

“Why not?” Frank laughed bitterly. “Because he will be safe, and that's all that matters, Elena. This was what we wanted from the very beginning wasn’t it?  For Gerard to be safe, to be whole, to be healthy, to be happy...”

“Do you think he will be happy losing you now?” Elena snapped at him.

“Oh, he will be sad. But he will get over it. Fate never meant for us to be together, didn't you say? I'm sure he will eventually find someone beautiful, smart and gorgeous and have two beautiful children and...” His voice cracked and he didn’t even realize that he was crying until Elena leaned in, fingers feather-soft against his face to brush his tears away.

“Tell me, Frank. Do you regret any of it?” Elena asked softly.

“Maybe I’m selfish, but I will never regret the time I spent with Gerard, regardless of how short it was. My only regret is that Gerard had to suffer because of me. I don’t know how we manage to keep defying fate and gravitating towards each other again and again, but I like to think that maybe, we were meant for each other. And then, maybe, in an alternate universe, we are together and happy. Thinking like that makes it a lot easier to bear.”

“…Go to him,” Elena said gently.

“Do I still have time?” Frank asked.  

Elena didn’t answer his question and she merely repeated her words. She leaned in, her face expressionless and paler than usual. Her eyes though, were full of pity as she pressed a kiss to his forehead before disappearing into the night.

 

2nd Chance: Thursday, March 21st, 2013

Frank went to the lawyer’s the next day and drew up a will, leaving everything he owned to Gerard, and donating some money to a local animal shelter. He went up to Gerard’s apartment, stayed the night and said his I love you-s to an overjoyed and unknowing Gerard. He said a silent goodbye while brushing the hair out of Gerard’s sleeping, innocent face and stole out of the house the next morning.

He didn’t know when he would die, or how- and he strangely didn’t care. At least Gerard would be safe. Especially without Frank in his life.

At least he would be alive.

 

2nd Chance: Friday, March 22nd, 2013

Frank heard the car screeching horribly but couldn’t avoid it on time. And _oh_ _boy_ did he feel it coming. It hit him at such an alarming speed that caused him to flip across the road like a ragdoll, the shock stunning him and knocking him breathless, unable to even lift a hand over his head to protect himself from the impact because it all happened so fast. Then _pain_ _pain_ _pain_ _pain_ **_pain_** was all he registered as he blinked dazedly up at the azure sky ahead of him. The sun was blazing ahead and it was so bright – but he must have broken something because he couldn’t move his head, couldn’t look away, so all he could do was blink back tears as he stared up at the sky. It was such a beautiful day to die. And Elena was there, watching him with such a melancholic look that he wanted to reassure her that he was fine with this, but all he could manage was a choked gurgle of blood.

And then Gerard was there, holding him and telling him he was sorry. Blabbering that he was looking for Frank and asking him why didn’t he just stay in the apartment and saying that this wouldn’t have happened if he had **just stayed** , and Gerard wouldn’t have panicked and driven out to look for him and saying he was sorry and please hold on for him...

Frank almost laughed at how poetic his end was, to die by Gerard’s hand, when he had been the one killing Gerard over and over again in the past.

Fate was a fucking _bastard_.

He tried to smile at Gerard. It hurt, it hurt _so much_ , but he didn’t want Gerard to remember him being in pain. “This was the way it should have happened. I have no regrets.” He thought. He wished he could move his hand. He wished he could brush Gerard’s tears away. Gerard looked beautiful amidst his tears. Healthy and whole.

That was the way things should have been. Frank wasn’t supposed to be in his life. He was all at once, overwhelmed with the thought that at least he had a chance to know Gerard, to love him. He was grateful.

Frank managed a choked “I love you” before Elena took him away.

-Fin-


End file.
